lately; and i have to admit this with a sad soul, i haven't been myself. i mean, yeah, to most people i probably am still same old me- but to some? to people i know? well- i told them exactly what happened. sure at times, i was regretting that it made me cry every night and that i felt like ridiculous shit- but it was something i did. a security blanket i held on to. telling too much made me feel sad for myself. i guess i couldn't do that.

if you didn't know- i am- or well, was a bitch. yeah, harsh thing to call myself, but it isn't really something that i can easily deny. i was mean- i was different...i wasn't me. i guess in a way that's all changed- but some knows how it's been eating me up. how day by day i struggled to live on. i was insecure, i guess, problematic. i'm sure that now it's not a problem- but i can't say i lived one day back then when i wondered if that was as good as life gets. but i guess not.

how is it that the urge of power is still there? even though deep inside it's kind of just slightly there- i still feel the need. though i know that my life now was way better than it would've been if i went along that path i still wonder; what if? would i be me? the plain, simple girl that had a mean streak? or someone else? all i know is that life is precious, and i wouldn't trade anything for my life right now.